I meant to just leave this as a mini rant on Twitter but I felt like this needed a post on its own. I am absurd when it comes to talking to guys in real life. Whatever the circumstances. I’m not even talking about the non-platonic kind. I cannot look at males in the eye for longer than 2 seconds. It’s exasperating. I know lowering the gaze is a thing in Islam (and a good thing, for that matter), but I am utterly ridiculous because whether or not I am making eye contact with the person, when it comes to talking to males, I’m a blundering mess. It gets very distracting, which makes it awkward for the other person too. Just the other day I was at SUSS’s induction and my student buddy (i.e. facilitator), who’s a male sophomore, wanted to break the ice and strike a conversation with me and I couldn’t, for the life of me, have a proper conversation with him.
I thought I was getting better at talking to males because I was able to text quite comfortably with a male group mate who reached out to me via email (I usually get anxious even online). It felt great. Then, I met him during the induction and I became an awkward mess.
Honestly, I’m generally just shy and awkward. That afternoon, I was gathered with my OBS group and we had to introduce ourselves – it wasn’t much; we were asked to share our name, the school we were from and our passion/hobby. Something so simple as that was enough to make me feel extremely anxious. That wasn’t all. During an ice-breaker activity, I had to do a forfeit because I messed up but because I was so immensely awkward, something that was supposed to be light-hearted and humorous became so dull.
Truthfully, I feel so boring around people. It’s a horrible feeling because I’m not actually boring (hah). Don’t know if I’m being too hard on myself – perhaps I don’t actually seem that awkward, which can be perceived as a good thing to some, but the fact that I feel anxious ALL THE TIME around large groups of people drives me bonkers.
But I know that aside from my preordained shyness, I need to let loose. I have some insecurities that are hindering my ability to be comfortable around people. This whole insecurity thing is bloody toxic, I tell ya. I need to gain a bit of confidence (read: A HELLA LOT) and stop letting my insecurities hold me back. 😥
Edit: So I read this blogpost that talks about the reasons why some people are shy. It’s not exactly scientific or anything but the author truly spoke my feelings for me. There it is; the underlying reason for most people’s shyness – our insecurities. The vile devil that eats at our confidence. And okay, I guess it’s true that shyness can be situational. However, I’m still convinced that overall, I am shy (and introverted) (such an unfortunate combination).